Things Men are Afraid Of

I read a short article by David Zinczenko the other day on Yahoo about the things that men are afraid of. The article was one of those list articles that people love to read (and write). As I’ve written occasionally about issues surrounding being a man, the article gave me a good excuse for a mid-day laugh. There were a few points that resonated with me:

1. Her tears. Like a lot of men, I have difficulty with women crying, especially my wife or daughters, but also students, mothers and just the occasional distraught woman in an airport waiting room. Why? I guess it’s related to not being much of a crier myself, but perhaps even more because I’m never quite sure what to do – give the distressed lady a hug (ok for my wife and daughters, but generally not ok for the other women), get her to talk the problem out (I’m generally unsuccessful with this approach but occasionally it works), explain why their problem isn’t worth crying about). You can see why I fear this.

2. Not being a god to his kids. Eventually every dad gets to the point where his kids realize that dad is just a flawed human being like everyone else (maybe even more than everybody else). Zinczenko says that men get to the point where they don’t care what co-workers, friends, in-laws, strangers and everybody else thinks about them, but having your kids verbally recognize your flaws is an emotional killer. As I tell my students occasionally, I’ve reached that point where I’m comfortable enough with myself that the opinion of others is fairly irrelevant to me, but I dread the day when my young children get to where my adult son is and see me as just this flawed person that lives with them.

3. Not seeing his kids grow up. As I get closer to 60 and my body begins falling apart like an old and loved junk car, I worry that I won’t be around long enough to see the littlest reach adulthood and be there to help her navigate her way through all the complexities of modern life in Indonesia. With my one child who has already grown up, his career and my career work to keep us from seeing each other, and I’d love to have some time to sit down and see what he is like as an adult.

4. Living paycheck to paycheck. As I wind my career down, I spend an inordinate amount of time worrying if my savings will be enough to carry me and my family through my old age and their remaining childhood years. For someone who has been working since I was 10, the idea of having no money coming in is scary.

5. Public humiliation. I’ve made my share of really stupid mistakes in the past 57 years. The ones that were public have stayed with me and pop up occasionally in the late night hours. I keep hoping that I can get through the rest of my life without making any more public mistakes.

Zinczenko listed 10 other fears, but most of those have either passed me (a father’s death), or aren’t relevant to someone who lives in the jungle (Super Nanny, speedos). One fear that he didn’t list, but which has become an issue over the past few years is not being able to take care of myself. I’ve had a number of accidents since I’ve moved to Sumbawa which have disabled me for a certain amount of time, and I just hate being dependent on others. The idea that I may end up being too ill to function independently gives me the chills.

So one more blog about being a guy.